Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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