But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I looked at my own cervix.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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