What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
