Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
