Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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