I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
