my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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