Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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