i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
