Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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