The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize