I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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