I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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