Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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