Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
