You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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