Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He's on the porch naked. Help.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
