All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
