I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
