Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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