babies were throwing up all over the place
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
