I will die if light touches me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
