I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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