running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
