Someone shit on the floor
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
