Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
