wanna go halves on a baby?
Someone shit on the floor
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
