My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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