I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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