Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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