I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
