I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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