Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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