This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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