I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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