Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
