I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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