We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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