the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
