Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
