Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
