i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize