I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize