Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
