Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
you are never too drunk for berry picking
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
