I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
