I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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