At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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