I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
