I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize