You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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