oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
