My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
