I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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