I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
