Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
