would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I could fuck to npr.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
