I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Screwed.edu
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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