Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
