Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
