K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
