My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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