at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize