Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
