I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
